Let's Talk.

If you're here for the first time - Hi, I'm Alaine. I can't sum up who I am or what I like because honestly I hate everything and I haven't figured shit out about myself in the last 20 years. I'm too self-aware (ironically) and easily embarrassed by saying the wrong things. Lately, I've been better at just not giving a fuck, but people in this world are hella judgmental no matter what you accomplish, so I guess I'll always have that dark cloud of insecurity hanging over my head.

I constantly speak in metaphors. I don't know what it is, I just feel like I can better describe things when I'm being over dramatic, I guess. Oh and that's another thing, I'm super dramatic. I don't know if that's a female thing or if I'm not and have just been accused of being crazy so many times that I'm convinced that I am, but I'll go with it for future reference and you can decide for yourself.

Anyway, I've been in a somewhat rocky relationship for the last 3 years, and if you haven't already noticed by previous blog posts, he is the source of all my suffering. Just kidding, he's ight. Better, if anything. It's nice to have someone who would rather work on our problems than bail out the second it gets too hard. We've had our fair share of break up's and make up's, but I guess it all worked out in the end. I use the word "end" loosely because really it's only the beginning of the rest of my miserable life. *sigh* I worry about him.

I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease (ulcerative colitis) when I was 13 years old, and I've been living without the use of any medication for the last 6 years. Since being diagnosed, I have taken an "allergy" test and completely changed my diet, removing all traces of gluten, eggs, dairy and multiple other things from my system. It is the only thing that has helped control my symptoms and my severe cystic acne. As if the stabbing pains in my stomach weren't bad enough, the acne definitely made things worse. I'm super anxious about my illness at all times; I feel like a lot of people don't get that. If I accidentally eat something I know I'm not supposed to, I panic. It's even worse than actually getting sick because I know I have no control over my body anymore and the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I am in full control. My boyfriend makes comments like "I wish you could eat everything" and it makes me sad to know that not only is my disease prohibiting me, but it's hard for him since I have to be so picky about where we go out to eat. It does make me self-conscious and I have purposely gotten myself sick in the past because of not wanting to burden people I hang out with. I don't do that shit anymore, though, and that's probably a big reason why I have no friends.

So, yeah, moving on... I consider myself to be atheist, although I feel like I don't identify with labels as much as most people do. It's just not my thing. I don't believe in a higher power and in all honesty, I don't have to explain why. I could - if you really wanted to get me started up on that - but I won't because I don't have to. Speaking about labels, since sexuality is apparently so important for people in this day and age, I often refer to myself as "open-minded". I'm attracted to women and I'm attracted to men. I have and would probably again fall in love with a woman, if I wasn't in a committed relationship. For some reason, my boyfriend thinks my sexuality means I am a lesbian, as he has constantly tried to accuse me of being one in the past, but the truth is if I wanted to cheat on him - I would. It doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman. I feel like (personally) the word "bisexual" is made to sound so dirty and I just don't like using it to describe me. There's no reason to label who I love and why I love them.

I'm already stretching my brain with all these details so I think I'll leave it at that. I don't know what's in store for the future of this blog, but I'm definitely going to try to make an effort to write more. Before I go, I want to remind you that someone out there loves you. Not me, but somebody. Probably.

XO,

Dr. Pickles