Tattoos.

Here I am, naive, and hoping my existing friendships might continue to exist without actually contributing to them. Then, most days, I wake up alone and scared that if I lose the one person I care about the most - who do I really have left? I don't know if it's just natural to forget about people as soon as you feel settled in a relationship, but I'm guilty without question.

You know that feeling when you first meet someone and fall head over heels... Everything is perfect. It honestly feels like that's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But it gets so hard. And I think people underestimate what hard really means in this case. I have trouble keeping track of my own emotions - and now someone elses? It's such a nightmare some days. I can't make decisions on my own anymore. I'm either tip toe-ing around his feelings or being too blatantly honest about my own. There is literally no in between. I mean, I always thought when I was in a relationship, I would never be the type to break up and get back together. That concept sounded so tacky to me; you either love each other or you don't. Now it's like second nature to me. We fight about the same things, at different times, and break up from anywhere between 5 minutes to 24 hours.

I remember "dating" in high school, if that's even what you're supposed to call it. It was such a thrill to kiss someone for the first time or even get a hug from a guy I might've liked. I remember dating someone for 2 months, and another for 2 weeks. For me, relationships never lasted. Guys were just play things and for a small part of my life, I took that idea a little too far. I've tried avoiding that part of my life; forgetting it, ignoring it, but it hasn't gone anywhere. I used to love attention, from just about anyone. I lied to get it numerous times, and sometimes I went the extra mile and actually carried out the lie just to not have to revisit it. But the point is, to me, relationships weren't painful. They weren't long-term, ever. I would ignore someone in order to get them to break up with me rather than do it myself. I would spend two hours laughing and making out with my "boyfriend" and then decide he was boring on our way back home. I was never with someone who gave me a reason to want to stay.

Maybe that isn't enough to convince most people that they've found their soulmate - just because they haven't found a reason to leave - but with him, that's how I know. For the first time in my entire life, I am chasing someone who will actually turn around and catch me. I never get tired of kissing him or hearing "I love you". It's physically painful to watch him walk away, even temporarily. I will cry and throw a fit like a 5 year old girl, despite how crazy it makes me look. He's not afraid of his sexuality and he makes me feel good about mine. He's the type of guy every girl dreams of marrying... And I might actually stand a chance at being his.