Life changing battles.

Happiness was a concept that I struggled with for a really long time. I become diagnosed with a chronic illness in grade 9 and started getting side effects from all the medication I was on, which led me to have an ongoing feud with every doctor who tried to help me. Every little thing kept adding up until I realized I was fighting the inevitable. I wasn’t ever going to go back to my life before, but I was going to have to learn how to deal with it. I’m still adjusting to some of the changes, but I know one day it will become like routine.

Even previous to being diagnosed, I had struggled with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. It seemed as if this illness was another reason for me to not want to be alive anymore. I searched for multiple reasons to want to keep myself alive and some days I would wake up and completely forget why. It became terrifying; having thoughts powerful enough to give you reason to end your life. It was as if my heart wanted to keep beating but my mind didn’t like the sound. I blamed my failed attempts that landed me in the hospital on myself – I would grief myself on getting caught rather than being given a second chance.

Suddenly, every person telling me not to gave me more of a reason to want to. I felt useless and constantly wondered why life kept demanding my existence when I felt like it was an annoying obligation that I simply didn’t want anymore. The worse my illness got, the worse my depression felt. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave myself alone because I knew what I was capable of doing. I started hearing voices and seeing things that weren’t there; I couldn’t sleep anymore.

It was then, in that moment, that I decided I needed to take time to turn my life around. No one understood it, but I knew what I was dealing with and I knew I needed to come back to reality. I dropped out of school a few weeks into my second semester of grade 11. None of my friends, not even my family, could’ve possibly understood why I made the decision I made to do that, because it seemed so sudden. My mom supported the decision and watching me get better, the rest of my family did the same. I spent my time off focusing on myself; on my happiness. After spending so long focusing on everything that was wrong with my life, I made time for the things that made me happy. I spent so long dwelling on something I couldn’t change, and I became fed up with the negative energy that kept leading me back to the same place.

In that time I took to focus on myself – I found myself. I found the things that made me happy. And slowly, I began to rely on those things to bring happiness back into my life. Some days when I do feel depressed, I remember that my life is in a good place and that there is always someone struggling worse than me. I remember that life is a blessing, not a curse, and remind myself that I’m put on this earth for a reason. It’s been a year and I’ve never felt more content with the way my life is going; I’m able to handle my depression a lot better just by thinking of the good things in my life. When there’s negative, focus on the positive. It gets better. And the only person capable of turning my life around is me – because no one else can tell you how to be happy. I am the only person capable of defining happiness for myself... And that’s exactly what I did.

*I've posted this blog before and I deleted it because I didn't want anyone to recognize me as a weak person. But rereading this, I feel strong and I hope this empowers those of you out there battling any sort of disorder to know that there is hope, and that doctors can't always tell you what your future will hold. I love you. Stay strong.*