It's time for another 4 am discussion and this time, I know it's going to offend someone. Not because I'm knowingly saying something offensive, but because I've seen people get defensive when social issues take the spotlight off of themselves. So... Let's talk.
I am, less formally, brown. Pakistani and portuguese. Growing up, my nationality was the only thing I knew but would never openly admit to. It's not that I thought anyone probably couldn't already tell, but that I knew what it meant to be different. I'm sure we all have stories of being bullied in school, and while I definitely was - this isn't one of those stories.
One of people's favourite games with me was "guess the ethnicity" and even now, nothing has changed. I've heard, "you're too pretty to be just brown." Or the awkward, "Oh! That makes sense." When I mention my portuguese ancestry. As if being Pakistani makes me this heinous piece of shit and the only saving grace to my identity is the small drop of European background I do have.
No one ever meant to offend me, I'm sure. In fact, for a really long time I started to accept and cherish the fact that I had some "white" in me to make me feel more acceptable in a society that values white people significantly more than they even acknowledge people of color. The term "white-washed" was a reoccuring term in my vocabulary; I lost my accent and I even started to pronounce words differently because my white friends would call me out. I took pride in being "white on the inside" because apparently being just me wasn't good enough. Being white was always the default for better, more intelligent, and acceptable. I learned to be white and I quickly began to disapprove of a culture that was once mine.
By the age of 13, my culture was practically non-existent to me. I didn't want my friends to come over because of my parents thick accents and the ethnic food they often referenced as "gross, stinky, curry stuff". I tried my hardest to dismiss stereotypes by expressing my hatred for all other brown people or making racist jokes around my friends at the expense of my own culture.
They laughed. They loved my "sense of humor", which was essentially being able to willingly make fun of myself and giving them an open invitation to do the same. I felt so great about making people laugh and I started to disregard the fact that they weren't laughing at my jokes - they were laughing at me. I can't imagine even having friends in junior high had I not made all of the crude jokes I did. People loved the fact that I hated my nationality as much as they did.
Quick question: how many white people think about what it means to be white? Does being white hinder you? Does it worry you? Is your whiteness an indication of your value or worth as a human being?
Being a person of color meant being aware of my color at all times. If I ever forgot for even a second, someone would remind me. Standing in a group of people would often get me called out as "that brown girl" instead of just "the girl with the black hair" or "the girl wearing sweatpants". My color was the first thing people noticed about me; they knew me by color before they knew me by name. I spent my whole teenage life trying to take the color out of my personality, but I could never take the pigment out of my skin.
From a very young age, I idolized white celebrities (which was the majority). While every little girl dreamed of being a princess, I dreamed of being white. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be human. I wanted to be white.
I can just imagine how silly of a concept this seems to people who have grown up with white skin and never had to consider what it means to be a person of color. You don't walk into a room and wonder if people have already made an assumption based purely on your skintone. You are always innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent. You don't even notice the privilege you receive every single day of your life, because no one is making you think about how "white" you are. You don't wonder what it would be like to be black or brown or asian because deep down, you know how badly minorites are treated.
#BlackLivesMatter, and all the other social issues that are being brought to light are not an anti-white movement. In fact, saying #AllLivesMatter is redundant because we already know that. This society already knows that WHITE lives matter, but over the years it has been blatantly obvious that the lives of POC are not valued. White people dismissing these issues is just another indication of your power - if you automatically believe no form of discrimination is occuring simply because YOU have not experienced it, that's your white privilege showing.
If anything, I hope this sheds light on this issue for people who haven't quite understood the movement. If you're white and you're offended that someone is singling you out, think about how people of color have felt for years.
This isn't personal. This isn't about you.
It's about us.
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